A 3 Step Method for Calming Down a Child
Posted in Toddlers & Preschoolers on 08. Sep, 2009
When my 2 year old starts stamping her feet and making little squeaking sounds, I know she’s winding up for a royal tantrum. Trust me, you don’t want to be anywhere near that when it happens… she’s awfully loud for such a small person! Like most parents of toddlers, we’re in “the terrible twos” and are facing temper tantrums like everyone else out there. Our 4 year old is pretty much out of this phase (now that I say that, watch her throw a tantrum later in the day…), but we take the same approach with our younger daughter that we took with our older one. Of course we adjust our parenting for our second, who is the exact opposite, but our general approach to tantrums seems to work for both kids.
Since all kids are different, I’m not at all suggesting this will work for all children – only that it’s worked for us. It also takes a few times to do this with them to get them used to controlling their tempers, but it really does seem to do wonders with our kids.
- Take a Deep Breath. When I see that our 2 year old is starting to pitch a fit, the first thing I do is to kneel down to her level. We think it’s important to be on eye level with her, because you come across more like an ally to the child, and less like an intimidating adult. Let’s say that your toddler wants juice and you say no. Then the tears and the screams start. The first thing to do is to get them to stop crying and prevent them from getting even more wound up. Looking them in the eye, say, “Honey, take a deep breath.” Do this with them (a deep breath helps the parent, too!). When your kid takes that deep breath, it has an automatic calming effect on them, and it stops (or slows) the crying. If they can just take that deep breath, it will help them start to get control of themselves.
- Validate their feelings and tell them what you think the problem is. One of the main reasons a kid is going to throw a tantrum and scream at you is because they think you don’t have a clue. If my daughter is starting to throw a fit, I bet you anything that she is convinced that she knows best and I am just the dumb parent. Look them at them and say something like, “Now sweetie, you’re upset because you want juice and I said no. Is that right?” This sort of assertion usually gets a nod, or a “yeah,” and seems to stop a kid in their tracks. It’s like a light bulb goes off when they realize that we understand them, and we’re here to help – not just fight back.
- Talk to them. Once you are on their level, they are calmer, and they understand that you know what is wrong, talk to them. Say, “I understand that you want juice. But Mommy says ‘no.’ Do you understand?” By this point, both of our kids are usually calmer and able to listen to us. Sometimes I’ll explain more, like, “It’s almost dinner time,” or “you already had juice,” but often I just say a plain “mommy says no.” Either way, they are usually listening at this point.
This approach is something we’ve done time and time again with each of our kids, and it really seems to work wonders. We’ve done it from the beginning with them, so they’re pretty used to this routine. Like anything else, if it’s new to a kid it will probably take longer. Maybe you’ll have to say, “Take a deep breath” three or four times before they stop crying. Perhaps after you say, “mommy says no juice,” they’ll get wound up again and you’ll have to start all over. Perhaps, but I bet that after this becomes routine they will respond quickly to it. We do this at home and out in public. Once, I was in a grocery store and did this with my older daughter. Another mom came over to me and asked how I got her to calm down so quickly. It felt great to think that not only was I doing something right with my own kid, but perhaps I was onto something and could pass it on to other moms. I hope that this is helpful for you as well.
- Grace
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