“Should I Be Doing That, Too?”
Posted in Just For You, Take a Deep Breath on 28. Oct, 2009
Most challenges that today’s mom faces are obvious. We immediately think about the big stuff – finances, health, safety, etc. There are many issues and concerns that we have as parents, but there is one challenge we face that is extremely common – but seldom talked about. It’s something that most of us don’t even think about consciously, but it still affects most everyone.
I’m talking about competition with other moms, and wondering to yourself, “If she’s doing that – should I be doing that , too?”
This is the stuff that sneaks up on you. Sometimes you don’t even know it’s happening, until you find yourself frazzled and worrying about silly, inconsequential things. Not sure what I’m talking about? Ask yourself if you’ve ever thought any of the following things to yourself:
- “If my sister-in-law is signing up her daughter for violin at age 3, should I be doing that with my daughter?”
- “Her son can already write his letters… Sarah isn’t even close! I must be doing something wrong.”
- “Well, my friend does crafts every day with her son. I can’t believe I don’t do that! I’d better go buy some craft supplies.”
- “I was planning on waiting until Landon was four before sending him to preschool… is he going to be behind the other kids? My neighbor sends her daughter now, and she’s only two and a half….”
- “They have such a cute playroom. We just have baskets in our living room… I hope that’s enough for the kids.”
Most of us have thoughts like this at some point, whether we think these things rarely, or all of the time. Sure, it’s natural to look at other moms and see what they’re doing with their kids. And while it’s healthy to get ideas, inspiration, and advice from our peers, it’s not healthy to always compare ourselves to others. We are all in different situations, with different strengths and weaknesses. If you struggle with feeling like you are judging yourself against other moms (and always feeling like you fall short), just consider this….
- When it comes to material goods, we are all in different circumstances. Perhaps you are feeling jealous about your neighbor’s amazing play room, your friend’s shopping spree at Gymboree, or the room straight out of Pottery Barn Kids that your sister-in-law created for her daughter. Sure, it’s normal to feel a pang of jealousy here and there (we’re human, you know), but don’t dwell on those feelings. Personally, I like to remind myself that I’m only 28, and a stay-at-home-mom. I can’t compare myself to another mom who is 35 and works full time, because I’m in a different place in life. Apples and oranges. And even if you know another mom who seems to be in the same circumstance as you, think twice. Remember that things are not always as they appear. Your friend down the road may have that expensive stroller, but she may also be maxing out her credit cards.
- Everyone has their own particular talent – even if they don’t see it in themselves. If we were all the same, wouldn’t that be boring? It’s a good thing that we all have different strengths and weaknesses. The problem is that many of us only focus on the talents of others, while ignoring our own. Personally, I’ve always admired women who have a real knack for decorating. I enjoy decorating and making my home comfortable, but I will admit that I still feel a bit envious when I see how talented other women are in this specific area. On the other hand, I know that I have talents of my own. I try and remember that the same woman who is a creative genius in Home Depot may be a disaster in the kitchen. So next time you say to yourself, “I should do that too!” about someone else, remember that they may be thinking the same thing about you and the things you do well.
- Just because another mom is doing something different, does not mean it’s necessarily better.
If your neighbor is running her kids around to camps, sports, and music classes, don’t fret just because you take your kid to preschool two days a week and that’s all. Set your own standards for your own family and let others do the same. You never know – perhaps she is saying to herself, “Man… my neighbor seems so relaxed. Maybe I’m doing too much with my kids? I don’t want to over schedule them!” Remember that you need to make choices that you feel are best for your kids – no matter what someone else may be doing.
- Life is about balance. No one is good at everything, no one has it all, and no one is the perfect mom. If you are jealous of your friend who does crafts with her kids every afternoon, maybe she feels bad that she doesn’t bake cookies with her kids the way you do. You can’t do everything, have everything, and be good at everything – so just pat yourself on the back for what you do well, and let the rest go.
- Set a good example for your children. Remember that they watch everything we do, and they model themselves after us. The last thing we want is to hear our kids say, “But Sophie is good at math… I don’t care if I’m good at English, I just feel so bad about myself for not being good at math!” We don’t want our kids to feel compelled to play every sport, join every club, and be everything to everyone. Set a good example and show them that we are all different, and that’s a good thing.
- This sort of mentality will only get worse over time. If you think it’s bad now, just wait. Jealousy over your neighbor’s playroom will become jealousy over your neighbor’s Lexus in ten years, knowing that your kid is driving your old Ford. And if you feel guilty for putting your kids in hand-me-downs now, just wait till they are in high school and wanting to spend big bucks on designer jeans! Set the tone for your household now. Hopefully when your kids are in high school, they won’t care if their neighbors’ kid drives a nice car, or if they are wearing their sister’s old jeans. Nip the jealousy and the competition in the bud, and you’ll all be much happier for it.
I write these things as someone who has grappled with this issue just as much as anyone. As moms, we love our kids and want to be the best mom we can – but just don’t let that desire drive you nuts. If so and so down the street seems like “a better mom” than you, do what you can to shrug off that feeling. No matter what classes you enroll your kids in, what activities you do, and what material things you have, you will always be the best mom in the world to them because you are Mom, and that’s all they need.
-Grace
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