Teach Your Kids to Argue… Respectfully
Posted in Parenting on 11. Oct, 2009
Part of being a kid is questioning the things parents say. No child is programmed to obey at all times without raising an objection, which is actually a good thing. It’s very important that kids develop a sense of independence and self confidence so they have their own opinions, thoughts, and inclinations. However, as nice as this is in theory, it’s awfully frustrating when your kid argues back.
Arguing and pushing back against parents is going to happen. It’s inevitable. The question is not how to prevent your child from asserting their will or protesting your decision, but to teach them ways to explain their position while still respecting you as the parent. We do something with our kids that seems to work well for our family, so I thought I’d share it.
If we tell our kids to do something and they have something further to add, they know to say, “May I appeal.” The idea behind this is that our child has an outlet for objecting, but they are doing it in a respectful way. First of all, they have to ask to appeal. We may very well say “no, you may not appeal,” and that’s the end of the discussion. If that’s the case, they need to understand that the discussion is closed. However, most times we do allow them to appeal and say something further.
Let’s say I tell my four year old to go into the playroom while I’m cooking dinner. I don’t want her running around under my feet while I’m trying to cook, and I’d rather just have her go play. But perhaps she’s feeling a bit clingy or tired, and would rather stay with me. She can say, “May I appeal,” and I’ll say yes. Then she may say, “Mommy, I promise I’ll sit at the table and look at my books while you cook.” Then I can say yes or no, and she knows she has to respect my decision. We find that this is a much more productive method than just telling her what to do and expecting her not to say anything about it. It avoids her having a temper tantrum or arguing with us. By appealing, she has the ability to offer up another suggestion for us to consider.
I’ll admit, when I first heard of this I thought it sounded sort of odd. The idea of a toddler using the word “appeal” sounded a bit strange to me, and I thought the whole thing seemed sort of formal. It doesn’t have to be this phrasing, though. We’ve thought about having our her say something else like, “May I say something else.” Regardless of how they phase it, we like for them to have a way to state that they have something to add to the conversation in a way that is not argumentative. Here are some things to think about.
- Kids need an outlet for voicing their own position. They are going to question your choices, your direction, and your rules. By teaching them to do this in a way that is respectful and productive, you are saving everyone a lot of frustration.
- Your children will feel like you are hearing them, and listening to their point of view. This is important in building their sense of self worth, self esteem, and confidence. No child wants to feel like they are being ignored or bossed around. By hearing their point of view, you are validating them and showing them you really do care about what they have to say.
- There are times when you can say, “No – you may not appeal.” I say this sometimes when I think my daughter is overusing this phrase as a way to argue, or if for whatever reason I feel strongly about what I’m telling to do. Sometimes I don’t want her to question me, and in this situation she can understand that although I respect that she has an opinion, I will sometimes simply tell her to do something without any questions asked.
- Remember that you child should use this sparingly. If my daughter starts to say “may I appeal” after every single thing I ask her to do, I’ll explain to her that she can’t say this every time. More often than not, she needs to simply say, “Yes mommy,” and go pick up her room. If your child starts to overuse this, it could easily become another form of arguing. Asking “may I appeal” is something to save for the times they really want to challenge you – not just when they don’t feel like listening.
I encourage you to try this with your kids. We find it to be very helpful, and it’s even something our two year old has started. Let me tell you, it has cut down on temper tantrums significantly! Having this outlet for her is great, and she seems a lot less frustrated lately. Give it a try, and let me know if it works for your family!
- Grace
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